Mothers, Daughters and Everyday Sexism

This year, as we celebrate International Women’s Day, I wonder how far we have really come?

After reading in the Guardian newspaper, how European Commission President Ursula von der Leyen, was barely acknowledged by the Ugandan foreign minister, General Jeje Odongo, I see little change to the age-old patriarchal attitude that doesn’t recognize women’s leadership and power. When will female leaders be afforded the respect that male leaders have demanded and received for centuries?

https://www.theguardian.com/global/2022/mar/06/sexist-snubs-against-female-leaders-are-shockingly-familiar

Then when I flick through the workshop adverts in a counseling magazine, my heart constricts as my eyes land on a full-page advertisement from the same organization for whom I am facilitating a mother-daughter workshop. The advert is advertising a workshop facilitated by a male thought leader. Where is my full-page advert, I ask myself? Why is my thirty-plus years of expertise with the mother-daughter relationship not worthy of a full-page advert? And why is the mother-daughter relationship not worthy of the same advertising resources? When will women’s ideas, research, and knowledge be given the same respect as men’s ideas, research, and knowledge? 

From my graduates and clients I hear a growing chorus of mothers being blamed for upsetting and emotionally disempowering their daughters, and in many of these accusations I hear the age-old patriarchal voice that makes mothers responsible for the wounding patriarchy inflicts on mothers and daughters, and how patriarchy sets mothers and daughters up for conflict. When will patriarchy be held accountable for the trauma and emotional disempowerment it inflicts on mothers and daughters through its restrictive gender roles, everyday sexism, marginalization of the mother-daughter relationship, and how it neglects and dehumanizes mothers?  

On the surface these three incidents appear unrelated, but they are not! Together they reveal the patriarchal narrative that disrespects women’s humanity, equality, voice, and power.  

Why was Ursula von der Leyen seen to be respectful in the Guardian article, when she didn’t push back against General Jeje Odongo’s sexist behavior? How would people react if she had pointed out his unacceptable behavior and demanded his respect, attention, and handshake? What if protocol included that a female leader must be treated with equal respect as a male leader, and breaches of this protocol are not ignored?

I experienced a similar snub to Ursula von der Leyen a few years ago whilst I was standing in a line with other male therapists. An elderly male therapist who demands a lot of respect within my community shook hands with the man to my left, and when he stood in front of me, he pretended he didn’t know me. When I introduced myself, he looked down to the ground and walked on and shook hands with the man to my right. I was so shocked I didn’t know what to say. Looking back, I wish I had said something. But I also know that my voice would not have been heard. His deliberate sexism would not have been recognized or acknowledged, and I would have been treated as having misunderstood, overreacted, and inappropriately blaming such a revered male therapist. And I also suspect that in many counseling circles I would get a similar reaction if I pushed back and demanded that my mother-daughter workshop, and my experience as a mother-daughter relationship thought leader be given the same adverting resources as the male thought leader. I would be seen as a ‘demanding’, ‘uppity’, ‘too big for my boots’ kind of woman, and the sexist inequality I am reacting to will remain hidden and be freely repeated.

Uncovering how patriarchy mother-blames to hide the truth about how patriarchy neglects and devalues motherhood, and how patriarchy sets mothers and daughters up for conflict to hide the harm it inflicts on women is key to changing the way female leaders are still being ignored and marginalized. Unlocking the dynamics that set mothers and daughters up to fight over their shared experiences of inequality, reduced power, and silenced voice will shine a spotlight on, and embolden women to stand up and demand respect, visibility, and equal resources. Without the understanding of how systemic sexism harms the mother-daughter relationship and sets daughters up to blame their mother, systemic sexism will remain hidden and unchallenged.